There is something I have heard a lot recently due to Steve’s deployment :
“Let me know if you need anything.“
This phrase comes in various forms and we say it to those who are dealing with deployment, medical situations, loss of a loved one, or a new baby…and it is, in many ways, a cop-out. I say this not in judgement, for I am just as guilty as the next person. Nor do I say this as a cry for help, you’ll see my shout-outs to those I have received help from below. I only say this as a public service announcement from someone who has opened her eyes a little wider – “Let me know if you need anything”, is not enough. We can do better.
We use this phrase in various forms. I’ve named them, mostly because I felt like it.
1) THE STRANGER: an empty gesture from an acquaintance. This is the one I don’t take seriously or get upset about; it’s more amusing. In this context, the phrase is uttered by someone I have seen casually a few times, or someone who lives 1000 miles away. The person saying this usually genuinely feels bad that you will be struggling and sometimes has gone through similar circumstances themselves. They feel helpless, and just want to say something nice. We both know the stranger isn’t going to call you, and in most cases doesn’t even have your number…but it sounds polite so we say it because it feels like the right thing to say.
Solution – Just don’t say the words. Rather than asking an acquaintance to let you know if they need help, just tell me you’ll be praying for me, thinking about us…whatever makes you comfortable. Better yet, really put some thought into it and offer something you can do. If you live close get the person in need’s phone number and just give them a call to check on them. What a great way to make a friend! Honestly though, if we just see each other at school drop off and I don’t even have your phone number…don’t tell me to let you know if I need anything. Who would actually do that? What would it sound like?
“I know we’ve only talked to each other for 20 minutes total, but can you please bring me a meal tonight?” “Oh hey, lady my husband went to high-school with, who lives in Maine, whose name I barely remember, can you please take my kids for a couple hours while I get a much-needed break?”
Anyway, these people are genuinely trying to sound nice, but let’s just be honest with one another.
2) THE FAILURE TO LAUNCH: an empathetic gesture from a friend who really wants to help, cut can’t follow through – This is similar to #1, but is more personal and actually hurts a little. I fail here the most. I am sure many of you are thinking the same thing.
Solution: Rather than telling your close friends and those you speak to regularly, to “let ME KNOW what YOU NEED” – let THEM KNOW what I WILL DO. Tell them, “I am going to bring you a meal, what day is good?” Or tell them, “I would like to take your kid/kids for a couple hours; what day is good?” This is how you help. If they won’t commit to a day or hesitate press the issue, then follow up in 2-3 days…they may change their mind when the kids have turned the house into a scene from Lord of the Flies and the kids have the conch. This is what you should do if you are close enough to have someone’s number, if you’re the neighbor, etc. Even if the person has no kids, or seems to have it all together, there is always something you can do to ease their time during a stressful period. Even if it’s just inviting them out/over for dinner or mowing their grass…THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO.
3) THE SLEEPING POLIECEMAN: an empty gesture from a person who should be helping – In many ways this is the worst case scenario because it is someone who, by definition, should be helping. In the case of the military it is the unit leadership or spouse’s network, in other cases it may be family, lifelong friends etc. This is different from number two, because in this case there is an actual RESPONSIBILITY to help. I will also admit I have failed here. I have had subordinates of Steve’s gone on long term TDYs and failed to help. I have justified it in my head: we don’t know each other that well, she has a good network already…and on and on. None of these are good excuses; there are no good excuses.
Solution: We need to do our jobs! In some ways it’s easier than a Failure to Launch situation, especially as someone who is simply doing their job or as a family member or supervisor to reach out to someone and ask, what do you need? If they won’t tell you what they need, IT IS ON YOU TO OFFER SOMETHING!
The work for this starts well before the deployment or other hardship. As a supervisor or member of a spouse network it’s on you to get to know the people and understand their needs. At least have a relationship that’s strong enough to not feel awkward calling. Maybe call on occasion w/out a real reason and make a friend! This is something we have slowly lost in our digital world. In the era of, “Oh they’re just my Facebook Friend” we have lost true friends. We have lost the ability to just reach out and ask someone for help because we don’t exercise that muscle enough. Again, this is something I have fallen down on sometimes, and I witness our failures as a community on a daily basis. Let’s do better.
WHAT CAN I DO?
But what if they won’t tell me what to do? Here is a list of things you can do for the person who claims to need nothing. Please add your own in the comments…
1) Take their kids for a couple hours, even if you don’t have kids…offer to sit at their house. Maybe ask if you can fold a load of laundry for them while you’re there. (Ask this before you see their house or they may assume you’re judging)
2) Mow their grass/trim. Maybe find out if they already have something set-up for this. *shout out number one to Grandpa who does this regularly (he actually likes it!)
3) Bring them a meal. Coordinate a day, or bring something they can keep frozen and heat up quickly *shout out to our friends Mac/Heather for “accidentally ordering extra pizza” (great technique)
4) Offer to do laundry for them/fold it.
5) Just send them flowers/chocolate/beer
6) Tell them you’re taking them out for a girls/boys night and coordinate the babysitter if required
7) Show up with a 6 pack and just hang out
8) Offer to take their kids to one of their activities (sports practice/girl scouts) Take the kids out to a meal along with it. *shout out number 2 to my in-laws who do this regularly!
9) Shovel snow in winter
10) Just offer to meet at park or someplace else with kids *Shout out to my friend Nanette!
11) If you know they have child care already, parents’ night out or something, offer to go to dinner with them. Sometimes they just want adult interaction and my not have something scheduled. *Shout out to Jake and Erin!
The bottom line is that what people need is to know they have support and that you care enough to actually take action in their time of need. When we say, “Let me know if you need anything”, what we’re doing is checking a box without burdening ourselves. It is truly a cop-out and WE CAN DO BETTER.